I Just Lost It

Tonight I will be spending a lot of time in prayer seeking forgiveness and guidance. I just lost it with my kids tonight. I don't know how it started or why I got so angry and frustrated; we were having a great day, then we had dinner. Dinner, as per usual, did not turn out the way I had planned; my husband started his week of night shifts tonight so I was a little rushed in getting everything ready on time. I had cooked ribs all day in the crock pot, however upon cutting them for the kids we discovered they were still not completely cooked; we were out of time so I had to throw them back in and make sandwiches. My husband left in the middle of dinner and chaos ensued; I had a crying baby, an obstinate toddler, a defiant three year old, a wild five year old, and a first grader with two days of make-up work to do (because his absent minded mother forgot to pick it up on Friday)

In short I was completely overwhelmed; I had too much noise, and too much commotion to handle. I gave everyone a task to do thinking it would calm things down while I got the baby settled and in bed, I was wrong. I did get the baby settled and in bed, but I came up the stairs to find more noise, and more commotion than I had left. Coloring supplies were strewn wildly about the floor, volcano worksheets looked as if they had been thrown from a volcano all over the table, and a race was taking place from the living room around through the kitchen. The tasks of cleaning up bedrooms had not been completed after four little voices had assured me they were finished and I could not handle it.

I just lost it. I yelled at my four sweet little blessings. I am not a yeller and I am always heartsick when I see and hear parents yelling at their children; yet tonight I yelled at my children. After calming myself down a little we got the volcano worksheets completed, placed in the homework folder and the folder into the back-pack; I cleaned up from dinner; and we got the bedrooms picked up. I got their teeth brushed, their jammies on, and we all piled onto my daughters bed for our Bible time. I thought things were looking up, Bible time is everyones favorite time of day, it doesn't matter what time we do our Bible time itis always a good time. Not tonight, they were all just too squirly, they wouldn't sit still, they wouldn't leave wach other alone, they would not stop fighting. I had to cut our time short and put them all to bed early; no hot chocolate date tonight, a tearful repentent prayer time with each child and an early bed time.

I hate the way things went tonight, I hate that I yelled at them, I hate that we cut our Bible time short, I hat e that I had to take away my son's alone time with me. But I love that I learned something about God's mercy and grace tonight. I am a flawed individual, and even though I try to appear perfect to my kids I am anything but. I can only parent these children through the grace of God, I can only give them what I receive from Him. I can only teach them repentence if I am willing to do it. I failed miserably at being a good mother tonight, but in the morning (because they are all asleep now) I will excell at showing them a repentent sinner. I will show them a Biblical modle of asking forgiveness when I apologize for my wrongs and ask their forgiven. I will show them my dependenc on an need for God when I pray for His wisdom and guidance throughout the day. Finally I will be able to show them what it is like to allow God to teach and guide us through our mistakes as I stop to pray before I lose it te next time things get out of control or anytime I need to discipline them. I will show them I can't be the mom He wants me to be if I am not following His teachings and constantly in prayer.