F.O.F

My almost seven month old daughter has made an incredible discovery over the last few weeks; she has determined that she desperately needs independent mobility. Being the youngest of five she has learned that if she wants something or needs to escape, she needs to do so for herself and quickly. For the past two months rolling around was sufficient to meet her mobility needs; that phase has passed and she now desires to crawl. She is not satisfied with the army crawl or her previous attempt at scooting across the floor on her back, she desires up on her hands and knees crawling. She is able to get up on her hands and knees and she is able to crawl; she , however, does not realize this. She doubts her ability to move all four limbs, independently, more than once. As an outsider I have observed her and I know without a doubt that she is able , the only thing holding her back is her own self doubt.

I started thinking about self doubt as I watched her this morning. I started thinking about my own self doubt. I continually doubt my ability to raise five children, keep them all safe, meet all their needs, train them for the Lord, give them each the individual attention they need, and still have enough of myself to give to the Lord, my husband , and the house. I am abounding in weaknesses in all of these areas. I sometimes wonder if God made a mistake when He chose me for these tasks; although I know He never makes mistakes. I only ever see my flaws, how wild my children are in public, how messy my house and my van always are, how I am always too tired to give any of my self to God or my husband genuinely, etc. etc. etc. The list of my failures and shortcomings is endless.

I was raised to only see my flaws, I was never praised as a child, all I ever heard was how I missed a spot on the counter, or my A should have been an A+, or how on note in my aria was just a bit sharp, or I will just never look as good as so and so but I should try harder anyway. Now I love my mom and I know she did the best she thought she could raising us to be humble, but I am so acutely in tune with my flaws and my failures that I have a hard time feeling worthy of motherhood. I suffer from a severe case of Fear of Failure (F.O.F.)

As I though about just how incredibly inept, and weak I am I remembered a passage I recently read to my kids. "And He said to me 'My grace is sufficient for you, for power is perfected in weakness.' Most gladly, therefore, I will rather boast about my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may dwell in me. Therefore I am well content with weaknesses, with insults, with distresses, with persecutions, with difficulties, for Christ's sake; for when I am weak, then I am strong." 2Cor 12:9-10 (NASB) God made me to do this job with my specific weaknesses so He can be my strength and so He can be glorified through me. He watches over me knowing that I can accomplish this task He has set before me because He made me to do it. Just as I watch over Emery knowing she is stronger and more capable than she believes.